Fucking Around With A Bullwhip

I found a bullwhip.

Ha ha ha, oh Merciful Christ, I found a bullwhip.

Let me tell you, there are a lot of whippable things in this world. Especially if you go out with the full intention of whipping the ever loving B'jesus out of everything you come across. Squirrels, cars, Little Fatty.

So I'm running around the front lawn going "dun dun dun DAAAAH... dundun DAH!" to the theme from Indiana Jones and swinging that bullwhip around like a bad mother fucker. If there's one thing I can do- it's pick up a bullwhip and instantly be really good at using it.

CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK went the bullwhip as I ran around swinging it like a man gone insane. Insane with the love of a good bullwhip.

Then POW!

I accidentally whipped myself right in the nuts.

Don't ask my how someone can whip themselves in the nuts- the physics of it continue to confound me. The only thing that I can tell you for sure is a man that get hit in the twins by a friggin' bullwhip drops like a sack of potatos.

So I just laid there in the front lawn... much like guys do when they take a massive impact to the groin. Suddennly, the vim and vigor is gone and all that remains is a whimpering shell of a man.

That's when the huge ass fucking HORNET starts buzzing all around me.

Now, if there is one thing that will make a man get up after getting popped in the kay-hones- that's a hornet the size of a fucking carrot.

So now I'm running again for my dear life away from this hornet.

Then I start thinking... there's no reason why I should run from this hornet. I have the bullwhip.

"Time to die, hornet!" I yell.

Then I swung the whip around and... hit myself right in the nuts AGAIN.

So down I go.

Then I get stung.

"What are you doing?" my roommate yelled at me from the front porch.

"Urk," I replied.

"You've been running around and falling down and shit for ten minutes," he said.

"Has is only been ten minutes?"